Plate #1: Lumpia

If you’re not in the know, let me educate you on lumpia.

A classic Filipino party finger-food, lumpia is, in my humble and completely biased opinion, the best version of egg rolls the entire continent of Asia has to offer. Ground pork, carrots, onions, and garlic are packed into paper thin wrappers and deep fried to a golden crisp.

The recipes vary by region and family, like every dish passed down through the generations on a faded index card (or at my house, on a KFC napkin tucked between the pages of a composition notebook), but there are a a few standards. I went with the wonderfully meaty Shanghai style.

But before we get into logistics, a quantity warning.
Lumpia is not a single serving food. It’s not even a family-of-four food. Lumpia is something you make for the masses, for your bunker after the nuclear fallout, should your bunker come with a deep fryer. Our batch churned out 225 lovely little lumpia.

First, the fillers. The Philippines is crazy for piggies, so naturally, we begin with 5 pounds of ground pork.

Oh, yeah. Pork, yeah.

Add to this shredded carrots, minced green onions, minced water chestnuts, and minced garlic. Like I said earlier, recipes vary a lot. Green onions can be substituted for regular onions. Water chestnuts can be omitted. Shredded cabbage can be mixed in for weight. Throw in whatever your deep fried loving heart desires. I glued it all together with soy sauce and rice wine vinegar, but the same rule applies here. Partial to hoisin sauce? Want to get crazy with a few tablespoons of patis? Run with it.

Once everything is good and combined, it's time for rolling. Lumpia is packaged in thin, square spring-roll-esque wrappers that are usually found in a frozen block in the freezer section of your local Asian grocery store. Defrost the wrappers before you peel and separate, but make sure you don't dry them out. Otherwise, they'll crack and tear when you roll.

There's a fancy proper way to roll with pretty tucked in edges, and there's the lazy way. Naturally, I went with the lazy way.

Scooping action shot!

Simply scoop some pork filling along the bottom edge of your lumpia wrapper, and roll forward tightly.

Sealing action shot!

Before you reach the end, seal the top edge of the wrapper to the roll with something sticky and flavorless. Water and flour mixed into a paste works wonderfully.

Considering you'll be making upwards of 200 of these suckers, you'll need to drag in some manual labor. I lured some friends by telling them they'd get famous on my blog (like I said, suckers). Perhaps you can lock your friends into your fallout shelter and force them to roll. Either way, lumpia requires group effort and ideally lots of gossip.

Once you and your little workers have gotten through all your wrappers, slice each roll into thirds and toss them into the deep fry hot tub!

Hot tub lumpia machine?

Voila!

Lumpia Shanghai (makes approx. 225)

5 lbs. ground pork
6 carrots, shredded
Small bunch green onions, minced
20 oz. can of water chestnuts, minced
Half a bulb of garlic, minced
½ cup soy sauce
¼ cup rice wine vinegar
Salt and pepper, to taste

75 spring roll wrappers

Mix all ingredients. Wrap. Deep fry until golden brown.

IMPORTANT FOOTNOTE:
When making lumpia for your nuclear fallout rager, it is imperative that you serve them with sweet chili sauce for dippings. Pictured to the right is my preferred brand, but if you're scared of the Asian grocery store, I know even Trader Joe's sells it these days too. (Although if you're scared of the Asian grocery store, where the hell did you find lumpia wrappers?)

Also, a belated shout out to Claire, dance party starting extraordinaire, the executive producer of this whole lumpia shebang, without whom the ordeal would have spontaneously combusted. Are ya happy now?